Note: Apparently the "frenemy" Gwyneth was discussing was Winona Ryder - close friends until a fall-out over who rightfully deserved the role Gwyneth ultimately won an Oscar for in Shakespeare in Love. It has all the elements: rivalry, jealousy and alleged betrayal.Mischa Barton is currently experiencing her own taste of frenemy-ness. Following her forced hospitalisation last week, a "friend" has informed the salivating media pack that she is "a suicidal, uninsurable mess".
Mischa will say "thanks, friend" when she's better (and has been to boxing class).I can't speak for males, but I know that on Planet Girl the frenemy issue is alive and well - and rarely dealt with. We all know relationships are complex, and certainly don't always fit into easy descriptors such as "friend", "lover", "enemy" etc. At different times, and depending on what might be going on with you or the other person in your respective lives, hanging out with that other person can at times far exceed the torture of sitting for 4 hours on a plastic chair without a break watching 6 year olds sing and tap dance their way through 'Annie'.
We are all aware how toxic the frenemy relationship is - our buttocks clench involuntarily when we receive a perky, passive aggressive email/text from them. We grin through gritted teeth at their "jokes", inevitably at your expense. Strangely, we can also have a bloody good time with frenemies, because if they're a cutting bitch to you, they've probably also got some cutting, hilarious things to say about other people - and let's face it, if you can have a witty, snappily delivered response to any given situation on a Friday night out, it's always going to make for good times and people laughing at the sparkling wit. While it's good for a few moments in time, do try to limit it to once a week, for only a few hours - soon enough the forked tongue turns to you: not such a good time. Oh wait... Should I be preaching to you about cutting frenemies from your life? Should I be delivering a holier than thou sermon about only talking to the peops you actually like? Does that really happen? How many times do you shake your head, wondering why the f*ck that chick hangs out with that guy, or why those two are friends when they clearly hate each other? Quid pro quo, that's why. Scratching backs, mutual beneficiaries or even the fact neither have any other friends.
The important thing is to do a cost/benefit analysis of the situation: determine whether the vile and randomly evil side of this person is worth whatever it is you get out of the relationship. Can you escape their shit for extended periods or reality check their most cutting comments (e.g. they need to tell me I'm uncoordinated because they find my blazing intellect intimidating)? This is essential for your sanity and self-esteem, and also for your ability to objectively assess the relationship you have with this person.
There is truly nothing sadder than a person who has deluded themselves into believing their frenemy is their BFF. It's not so. You do NOT bitch about your best friend behind her back. Really. You may think "God she's a fool sometimes" but these are thoughts are accompanied by huge amounts of love, affection and understanding/ compassion in your heart. If you discover that the person you thought was one of your best mates has been bitching lyrical about you, you make a decision about whether to keep them as a friend (but note they're dislike of you), or you cut them if you don't think you can handle the toxic waste. The level of trust we confer on our real friends is high, and it's devastating when you realise those people have betrayed your confidence, or worse, the realisation that now that they have heard your deepest darkest secrets, it turns out they don't really like you after all. It hurts. But we get over it. You don't need to secretly cut your upper thighs at night in the bathroom. You pick up your bat and ball, go home at sunset with all the nonchalance you can muster and find some friends who value imperfect you as a perfect candidate for friendship with them.
Classic examples of a frenemy:
1. Your "BFF" steals or attempts to steal your boyfriend (or any guy she knows you're interested in for that matter) - you may also wish to replace boyfriend with "job", "lifetime ambition" or basically any other thing you desperately want (for the right reasons).
2. When you are at the top of your game, she feels the need to remind you of your less than perfect knees - publicly.
3. Hanging out with them either one-on-one or in a group situation turns into a battle of passive-aggressive wit which neither of you wins, nor feels particularly good about. Generally to the extreme discomfort of others.
4. There's something about them that you just .. hate. But you're too chicken to either cut them from your life or confront them about a behavioural trait of theirs that bugs you.
5. She tells you about some great event she's having and that you will totally be invited, and then the date has passed, photos are up on Facebook and you weren't there. She follows up with a grim chaser of "oooh I'm soooo sorry! I was just so busy, I must have forgotten to email you about it" or worse, a blatant lie - which never fails to insult your intellect - "didn't you get my text about the party? That is so weird! I totally messaged you! In fact - I was mad at you for not coming!". Yeah, right.
6. The thought of airkissing or hugging in public makes you feel at once queasy and deeply insincere.
"Keep your friends close, but your frenemies closer". Personally, I don't have the energy for that stuff. It's uber draining, and all that plotting can become terribly tiresome. If you're spending more time nurturing the frenemy relationships in your life, you need to reassess your situation. The relationship will continue to bring you down - both self-esteem wise and in terms of self-respect (you really can't hold your head high when you call your "friend" on her deepest insecurity in front of a guy she likes) - until you demand better for yourself. Get what you need from the person, or figure out another way of getting it (go on a slightly more difficult, less obvious path) and leave them. Life is too short for frenemies. (I just preached).
You shouldn't need to watch your back all the time.
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