Say you won't leave me no more
I'll take you back again
No more excuses no, no
'Cos I've heard them all before
A hundred times or more
I'll forgive and forget
If you say you'll never go
'Cos its true what they say
It's better the devil you know
Our love wasn't perfect I know
I think I know the score
If you say you love me, oh boy
I can't ask for more
I'll come if you should call
I'll be here every day
Waiting for your love to show
Yes it's true what they say
It's better the devil you know
Not surprisingly (seriously - is anyone really that surprised?), Rihanna has returned to the evidently strong arms of Chris Brown. But spare a thought for Rihanna (once again) - she isn't doing this because she's stupid, she's back with him because she's in an abusive relationship with a manipulative man - the cycle of abuse is incredibly hard to get out of, and a lot of people never escape from their abusive partners.
Abuse of any kind is terrifying and soul-destroying, and you don't really realise that you're being abused until you're free of the situation emotionally, physically and mentally. Domestic abuse happens when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person (and we all know it can be man on woman; woman on man; woman on woman; man on man; parent on child). An abuser uses fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and gain complete power over you. The apologies and loving behaviour shown in the gaps of abusive behaviour is what you stick around for - somehow you manage to kid yourself into thinking that the periods of happiness are an appropriate offset for all the other shit you have to deal with when they're in the throes of controlling and dominating - and ultimately destroying - your life.
Emotional or psychological abuse can be verbal or nonverbal and has the central goal of chipping away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. When you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you feel there's no way out of the relationship, or that without your abusive partner you have nothing and are nothing. Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming and shaming. Isolation, intimidation and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse.
I'm not saying there's a worse form of abuse here, but the scars of emotional abuse are just as real as those from physical abuse, and they run deep. Emotional abuse often eventually escalates to physical abuse.
There's a lot of literature out there trying to explain why men abuse women in the context of a relationship - apparently it's to do with deepseated issues of masculinity (probably stemming from some mummy complex - but that's just my own perspective!).
In any event, I am really sad to hear that Rihanna got back with this guy. I managed to dig myself out of an emotionally abusive relationship a while ago, and I thank my lucky stars I had patient family and friends to help me out. It ended completely about a year ago after a 2-yr relationship which I believe was abusive for 18 mths. I think that only now - a full year later - am I really, truly over it and OK with myself. The self-doubt, low self-esteem and most of all fear (living without him, never being loved again etc) that these people manage to instil in you is so damaging that I can imagine how without proper support you just stay in these relationships. Also, the people around her may not even realise what's going on here. If your own personal circumstances have involved abuse and you have come to believe it's normal in a relationship, then how are you to see that that situation is actually wrong? Emotional abuse is less obvious to on-lookers, but if you see someone who needs help - reach out. It may be to the eventual detriment of your relationship with that person, but if you can help them out and make them realise that their situation is wrong and that they need help to fix things - and fix them they can!, then you've done a good thing. The universe will thank you somehow, somewhere later down the track.
The lyrics at the start of this post were written by Kylie Minogue in collaboration with the ever-dark Nick Cave. In contrast to the serious nature of the lyrics, the song itself is uber-pop. Such a great juxtaposition, but captures perfectly your mood when you're taking someone back. Forced happiness, OTT saccharine, and most of all telling yourself this is right in as jaunty and upbeat a tone as you can muster. After all - the only person you're kidding here is yourself, right?
Just remember: you will be loved again, you are loved, you are lovable, and that person who's hurting you? He doesn't love you - actually, a part of him hates you. And life's too short to spend with a hater. Make love not war.
Abuse of any kind is terrifying and soul-destroying, and you don't really realise that you're being abused until you're free of the situation emotionally, physically and mentally. Domestic abuse happens when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person (and we all know it can be man on woman; woman on man; woman on woman; man on man; parent on child). An abuser uses fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and gain complete power over you. The apologies and loving behaviour shown in the gaps of abusive behaviour is what you stick around for - somehow you manage to kid yourself into thinking that the periods of happiness are an appropriate offset for all the other shit you have to deal with when they're in the throes of controlling and dominating - and ultimately destroying - your life.
Emotional or psychological abuse can be verbal or nonverbal and has the central goal of chipping away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. When you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you feel there's no way out of the relationship, or that without your abusive partner you have nothing and are nothing. Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming and shaming. Isolation, intimidation and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse.
I'm not saying there's a worse form of abuse here, but the scars of emotional abuse are just as real as those from physical abuse, and they run deep. Emotional abuse often eventually escalates to physical abuse.
There's a lot of literature out there trying to explain why men abuse women in the context of a relationship - apparently it's to do with deepseated issues of masculinity (probably stemming from some mummy complex - but that's just my own perspective!).
In any event, I am really sad to hear that Rihanna got back with this guy. I managed to dig myself out of an emotionally abusive relationship a while ago, and I thank my lucky stars I had patient family and friends to help me out. It ended completely about a year ago after a 2-yr relationship which I believe was abusive for 18 mths. I think that only now - a full year later - am I really, truly over it and OK with myself. The self-doubt, low self-esteem and most of all fear (living without him, never being loved again etc) that these people manage to instil in you is so damaging that I can imagine how without proper support you just stay in these relationships. Also, the people around her may not even realise what's going on here. If your own personal circumstances have involved abuse and you have come to believe it's normal in a relationship, then how are you to see that that situation is actually wrong? Emotional abuse is less obvious to on-lookers, but if you see someone who needs help - reach out. It may be to the eventual detriment of your relationship with that person, but if you can help them out and make them realise that their situation is wrong and that they need help to fix things - and fix them they can!, then you've done a good thing. The universe will thank you somehow, somewhere later down the track.
The lyrics at the start of this post were written by Kylie Minogue in collaboration with the ever-dark Nick Cave. In contrast to the serious nature of the lyrics, the song itself is uber-pop. Such a great juxtaposition, but captures perfectly your mood when you're taking someone back. Forced happiness, OTT saccharine, and most of all telling yourself this is right in as jaunty and upbeat a tone as you can muster. After all - the only person you're kidding here is yourself, right?
Just remember: you will be loved again, you are loved, you are lovable, and that person who's hurting you? He doesn't love you - actually, a part of him hates you. And life's too short to spend with a hater. Make love not war.
1 comment:
So nice to hear you are happy and I am so glad you were able to escape that relationship!
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