Wednesday, May 25, 2011


Hello hello hello lovely friends.

Thank you for all your messages and kindness. I needed it. I also needed the verbal slap I got from my mother on the weekend (that sounds far more violent than it was, but I needed it - and deserved it a little also). I spent quite a bit of time wallowing the last few weeks. I drowned in sorrow, but thankfully not self-pity. I was just so, so sad. I still am a little, but I've put things into perspective. And I read, and read and read again my post about breaking up. It's so easy to advise someone else on their broken heart, when it isn't you in the hot seat.

I did some crazy things, and I did things that didn't show any care or regard whatsoever for my own personal health and happiness. Being broken up with at the same time as dealing with the low after the huge high of a fabulous trip was very disorienting. I think I'm still a little sideways! But I am trying to separate the two. One: I am bored in the world I have returned to and need to make some changes. Two: I am hurting, and sad, and broken hearted for a huge what-could-have-been (some of which really may not have been very realistic). So I am de-clumping these problems.

I just read Ali's recent post about French classes... It was so great, and I am cheered immensely by her happiness 11 wks after her own break-up. Yes, fantastic that she met a guy who is chasing her in the most adoring way (yes he is!!), but better that she is happy and she's done it all by herself. I love it!

So what am I doing now?
1. Spending more time with my parents. My dad is not well. I am worried.

2. Moving house. YES a total change. New housemate (just one!), new house. In about a month. I am dying for this change.

3. Taking up Spanish in a few weeks. One thing I loved about doing my Masters was the learning and using my brain bit. I love that. I don't really give a toss what I learn! But Spanish will be useful for my next trip.

4. Planning another trip to South America - from NYE onwards. Who wants to come? It will be glorious! You can come for as long or short as you like!

5. Spending more time with my niece. She's 8 months now, and she is pure, innocent, true love. I am feeling grateful the old biological clock hasn't started to tick, as perhaps this love would be a little marred by desire or possibly envy. As it is, it is something very sweet. And my sister-in-law is so precious. She's my sister now.

6. I have been taking tennis lessons, and it takes me to so many happy places I cannot tell you them all! And I'm getting better! Bonus. There was also a ridiculously hot South African coach there last night, and I swooned. In the old school sense. It was marvellous.

7. Saying NO to people. NO I will not bend over backwards and juggle my entire week around you. NO I will not let you hurt my feelings. NO I will not let you play your games. This is a work in progress, because I love to please and to help others. It's not always healthy. I'm trying.

8. Seeing someone. And delving deep into the dark corners. It is really, really hard, and there are places inside of me I didn't know existed. I find them on that couch. Psychology is amazing. If you like to learn, I suggest you see a good psychologist. The shit they teach about yourself, others and the human condition is immense! And you are not insane - you are enlightened by the entire experience.

So anyway. That was long. I just wanted to say "hi", and to let you know I'm back. And I'm starting to feel better.



Phuong said...

welcome back edwards!! all these new things are exciting!! xxx

Rachel said...

Yes. Yay! We will have to skype with Jenny - post Hens night of course. STRESS! xo

A Sunny Disposition said...

Yay! A good effective slap can do wonders! Sounds like you're getting through it beautifully! You'll feel 100% in no time.. xx

Rachel said...

Yes... Slowly getting there. :o) Sometimes it is so easy to consciously wallow - it's a security blanket. Trying very hard to not slip backwards into wondering what's wrong with me. I actually find the afternoon is the worst time for me... The sugar low of around 3pm (right now!) hits me, and then I get mopey. Strange.