Monday, August 6, 2012

Night Time Is the Right Time

But which day is the right moment?

Aaaah yes. Those tortured early days in a relationship. You can picture it now, can't you? Lovely Lady meets Cute, Sweet Man. CSM is attentive, kind and says lovely things to our heroine, LL.

Fast forward 2.5 weeks of this lovey-dovey-ness and you start to wonder: Am I in a relationship? 

And then the torture really begins.

When we're having such a wonderful time with a new boyfriend, all sorts of questions start to run through our head, running the gamut from Could he be the One? to Should I be the last person to respond to this text message chain? It can get a little crazy.

My advice is simply this:

1. If you feel like you're in a relationship, be true to yourself, and behave as though you are. By this I mean, get rid of all the other blokes you might be dating, or entertaining thoughts of dating. You would hate to be caught out on a meaningless date, that could end up jeapordising something you are actually interested in. I used to be a champion at harvesting the affection of many men to put away in to a love bank account. It amounted to bugger all when I realised none of them were of an value to me, and the attention I received was likewise completely valueless. A pointless exercise, although did result in many dinners out. A favourite activity. :o)

Bugger whether we're in a relationship. How do we get home??

2. Let him initiate the conversation. Men love to chase and conquer and win and be king of the castle. I am quite convinced that him bringing up the relationship discussion is a part of this conquest. If you feel like you need to Pin Him Down to have the conversation and extract an acceptance from him that you're in a relationship (when to you, it has felt like a relationship) then run for the hills! This man is a player and to be avoided at all costs! On the other hand, he may be relieved that you've brought it up. We sometimes forget that men get just as nervous as we girls in matters of the heart. No matter which way you approach this delicate matter, I would recommend it happening in person, preferably not immediately after sexy times (although not that long afterwards is generally when it happens... Why IS that?), and in a way that is lighthearted and cool. After all, by the time you start thinking you might be in a relationship, chances are you probably are. It just requires verbal confirmation.

Good ways of bringing up the relationship discussion:

  • After a night out with friends, say something to the effect that you weren't sure how to introduce him, and should you call him "my buddy" or "my boyfriend". This one is close to entrapment, but not quite. And hey - if he says "definitely 'buddy'" you have your answer!
  • Walking home after a lovely dinner out (definitely not over dinner - I always believe in having an exit strategy, and leaving before you've had dessert is not on!), maybe suggest you're enjoying how everything is going, and it feels like you have a boyfriend. He'll either give you a big pash (confirmation) or he'll hoof it out of there (rejection). 
  • Post-shag. Yes, it happens. Just try not to sound desperate or psycho when you bring it up. 
How not to bring it up:
  • Something to do with STD tests and is he sleeping with other women. Awkward, accusatory, a little inappropriate. 
  • In front of his friends/family/work colleagues. 
  • While holding a knife.

3. Like everything in life, do it with dignity. I would highly recommend not asking this question from a position of real confusion. You should feel comfortable, and warm and snuggly with this person, not lost and a little scared of where things are going with them. It's one of those times where I would recommend you think like a lawyer: already know the answer to your question.   

From my own experience with The Lovely Boyfriend, I can tell you that things happened a little faster than I expected. He is a relationship kind of guy, which I've since learnt is wonderful. Of course, I had to put my little "Don't Trust Him, He's Saying it To Get In To Your Pants" in a box, but it wasn't that hard because I was listening to what my instincts told me. In this case, my instincts told me he was a man to be trusted, and one that I could most definitely fall in true love with.

We had the relationship discussion fairly early on (by early, I say about 3 weeks), and I honestly can't remember how it came up (although I suspect it was one of those post-shag adorable conversations where you are absolutely enthralled with one another). I think I can't remember, because in the context of what has come since, it was a trifling matter. 

When it comes to everything else you're going to enjoy together, this conversation is definitely not worth sweating over!

So I would recommend a feeling of calm. In the scheme of things, this conversation doesn't mean awfully much. And it's better to know up front, isn't it? We don't have the time nor inclination to waste on people who don't adore us. If he doesn't want you, someone else sure does. xo

Take it as slow as you like


A Sunny Disposition said...

You exceed expectations every time Rach - every time!! Everything you have said is so true. I had a big think last night and it occurred to me that I was on 'high alert' for something to go wrong. Doing things like deleting his number so I wouldn't be tempted to message.. Ridiculous. I'd never thought of it as being 'on alert' before but that's totally what it is.. The problem with being on high alert is that it brings the risk of self-sabotage. I've done this before. So I realised I could actually put myself in a new alert category, which I have nominated as 'code yellow' - this being a feeling of calm, happiness, no stress, just enjoying these early days. Reducing the risk of fucking it all up by assuming something is wrong, when of course it's not. But at the same time, listening to my INSTINCT which from past experience I know will always tell me the truth. Right now - my instict is telling me things are good! Very good! Thanks my dear xx

R said...

YES! Code Yellow is a great idea! Like being alert but not alarmed. I think we have to give each new thing in our lives - friends, boyfriends, jobs - the benefit of the doubt and to have a positive mindset. And the instincts are so important! And yet so hard to listen to, because it almost doesn't seem rational.

Definitely enjoy the early stages of your relationship - butterflies, excitement, fun confusion. It doesn't last forever, and it is such a beautiful time in your life! ENJOY!! xo