In the latest Seth Rogen comedy Observe and Report, there’s a scene where Rogen’s loser security guard character has sex with a drunken, drugged woman who’s just vomited on herself and passed out and, hey, if that doesn’t get ya chuckling for your $16.50, what will?
In the US, the scene delivered the filmmakers what it was designed to - outrage and publicity - none of which could lift what is an otherwise unmemorable film, nor resuscitate its meagre box office takings ...
What’s even less amusing is the real-life rationalisations flowing from several male media commentators. Time magazine film critic Richard Corliss called the scene "the finest thing" in the movie, commenting that it “achieves what few American movies even attempt: to pinpoint the grim compromise, the desperation, that can attend the sex act.”
The problem with all these responses are they perpetuate the idea that if a woman is so off her face she can barely talk, then this is a good time for sex. It is not.
In the last few months, we’ve heard a lot about the “grey areas” of sexual consent and like it or not, it’s time men understood that if a woman’s ability to say “yes” to sex is in any way “grey” or confused, then sex is off the agenda. Instead, we get 66-year-old Time magazine writer Corliss saying of a scene that clearly depicts date rape: “Don't call it love; don't call it grand; but whatever it is, don't stop.” Dude … you don’t even start.
If a girl is so drunk she can’t keep her eyes open, that’s the end of the night. Taking it any further is called sexual assault and this includes touching and rubbing yourself on her like a mongrel dog while she’s passed out. If a girl can’t talk, you put her in a cab or you put her in bed and you sleep on the couch. If, when she wakes the next day she’s lost her drunken attraction to you, you have your answer as to whether sexual advances the night before would have been a good idea.
As I was writing this, I got sent an online piece by a woman identified only as Lucy. Lucy wants to know why there aren't more stories of 'the guy who got me home when I was seriously drunk and my boyfriend wasn't looking out for me?’ Why we don't hear more men speaking up about the times they acted honorably and did the right thing?
Says Lucy: "You probably have stories of a time when your friend was at your apartment drunk and you didn't rape her. And you don't tell them because you don't think that's even a story. And it shouldn't be, but let me tell you: you should start telling them, because those 18-year-old boys who don't think they're bad guys sure aren't listening to us. Maybe they'll listen to you."
"Men raping women is systemic and cultural, and yes it is misogyny and it is men thinking they are entitled to women's bodies. ‘Well, what did she expect, getting drunk like that?' isn't salt in the wound: it is the foundation of the problem. The idea that if a woman is not actively preventing a man from sticking his penis into her, he is doing nothing wrong, and 'hey, who can blame him', IS THE PROBLEM. So I say to men everywhere: if statements like the ones I made above piss you off, try taking it up with the men who make it so."
And this is the problem with the scene in Observe and Report. Young guys see this stuff in a cinema - and everyone's laughing about it - so how serious can it be?
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And so on. About a month ago I bitched about the D&G gang-bang ad, and then there was the football saga. I wonder if it might not be true that the message needs to come not from women (who are often portrayed as raving mad, hairy arm-pitted femnazis when issues like this arise) but from men - telling their mates off for unacceptable behaviour, and explaining to teenage boys how to respect a woman. It's sad that it has to be that way, but what is the solution?
I have plenty of male friends I know I can trust in that situation (and God knows it's happened several times before). I also have a few male acquaintances I know I wouldn't ever trust - and on that basis I try to avoid being in such a situation with them at all costs. Things change when your drink is spiked - not necessarily by them - or something happens beyond anyone's control to put you in a situation you're not comfortable with. It's nice to be surprised by the actions of another, but I think there's a lot to be said about your instincts for people.
This article reminded me of a friend who had looked after me on many occasions: he always got me to bed safely, I was usually still in the clothes from the night before (avoiding the undressing-redressing into pyjamas conundrum), and he would tell me laughingly about how I had raved about all sorts of bizarre things. He always felt we'd somehow bonded, and in retrospect, we had. We were pretty good friends for a while there, and I still think about that friendship and how terribly I behaved towards him when he did nothing to deserve it. I was young, immature and incapable of sensitive communication. It is something I have always regretted. Guys who - without an agenda - look after girls , who will be your friend regardless of whether you're obnoxiously triumphant following a success or riddled with insecurities, and who care for you even when you have snot dripping off the end of your nose when something awful happens or when you snort uncontrollably with laughter at inappropriate moments should be treasured and valued - as much by other men as by the women who these guys care for.
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