The loneliness came a little from a twinge that I own as a very much deep-seated insecurity that I've had for a long time: feeling left out. I'm sure as we all progressed through school that we have all experienced this at some time: whether your best friend isn't talking to you and you feel no one else in your friendship circle is either; someone at work excludes you from in-jokes with other colleagues for reasons that are at once a complete mystery and glaringly apparent to you and so on. I'm sure at one time or another we've felt excluded, and it doesn't feel particularly pleasant. Ordinarily, my approach is to ride out the situation and hope that it resolves itself. If it doesn't, I start to re-evaluate the situation and think about how it needs to be addressed. Thankfully, most situations resolve themselves without a discussion necessary. However... The reasons behind the exclusion still play at the fuzzy corners of my mind - particularly in low moments (i.e. fat days!).
Whether she realised it would offend me or not, last weekend a good friend had arranged a night out with some girls that I knew, and I wasn't invited. I am definitely not one to invite myself to something, so I left it. But the more I thought about it - and boy, do I overthink! - the more annoyed/upset/hurt I felt. Why wasn't I invited, when I was clearly a good friend of hers? No matter what I achieved this week, it just didn't seem to alleviate the self-doubt. So rather than ignoring it, brushing it under the carpet or "moving on" (I knew I wouldn't do that quite 100% anyway) I took a very deep breath, swallowed my pride and said:
"Next time you organise a girly night out, I would really love it if I could come along. With almost all of my really good girlfriends overseas or in other cities, it limits the girls I have to play with ... and I feel really lonely sometimes."
I am not often this direct, nor am I ever particularly willing to express the cause for the issue staying with me (in this case, loneliness for quality girlfriend contact). As I said the words, I felt a bit better. As I gauged her reaction, I felt even better. Future inclusions guaranteed, more time with nice female friends, and less time feeling lonely.
While these new girls are not my oldest and dearest friends, they are friends all the same. And as Cicero says ... "Life is nothing without friendship".
This is so true! I completely understand your feeling - I've had that so many times since I've been over here in NZ away from all my close friends. And the work exclusion thing happens all the time to me - but my workplace is quite clicky, which I can't stand..! I have been so busy today making plans for the upcoming weeks, so that the time will fly now that the boy has gone - I've spent so much time with him lately, that I have neglected myself and my friends over here, so I'm determined now to claw that all back, otherwise I truly will retreat into my room and spend the entire winter watching DVD's and getting fat on chocolate. Not a good look to meet the boy at the airport in 4 months time looking like a bear who has been hibernating for the winter. You really can't let those things simmer, especially when you're feeling lonely. You totally did the right thing by saying something, and I'm sure it was a complete oversight, and it just didn't cross their mind that you either weren't invited be default or you had some other fabulous plans for the night. I hope you're not overlooked again! And when we're all in NYC together, there will be a standard invite list so that we all catch up all the time - it will be completely fabulous. Yay! Cheer up xx
ReplyDeleteWhat a fabulous, thoughtful and lovely response! Yes, it is always worse when you leave things to fester - and it makes you feel completely powerless over your own destiny and happiness if you do nothing.
ReplyDeleteAs for your trip to visit the boy - how exciting! Find yourself some 10km runs to compete in! Or a good step class - I went to one at 6am this morning and feel great!
Yes I'm glad you said something as well - leaving things that upset you and thinking about them is no good. One day soon we will be in the same city Edwards!! x
ReplyDeleteI love this post Rach, and I completely relate. I think you are so brave for saying something. You've made me think about speaking up about things that play on my mind.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I'm my own worst enemy. When I have too many social things planned, I crave time alone, and when I have too much time alone, I crave company.
Plus - I have this crazy insecurity that people may not want to come to the stuff I invite them to. I would hate people to feel annoyed or obligated, and I'm petrified of coming across clingy. So I often say "Im doing this, you can come if you want, but don't feel like you have to." And then that's just weird. Obviously I suffer some form of mild autism.
Love you Rach, and wish you were here badly!