It Was Written All Over My Face ... And It Wasn't Pretty

A wise sharmany-y type once said "Disappointment is the difference between your expectations and reality".

So my Biggest Loser weigh-in didn't exactly go as planned - there was no marching band, I didn't win a car, no one screamed and hugged me with tears rolling down their cheeks and ... I didn't lose any weight. Somehow I lost a centimetre off my thighs, but that didn't equate to dramatic, significant, impressive weight loss. So, the martinis remain firmly attached to my buttocks like a polyester dress on a dry, windy day. Weigh-in girl looked equally devastated and, well, awkward. Her lame "muscle weighs more than fat, so... you know. Um. You've probably lost fat and now it's muscle or whatever. You know what I mean?" Fuck you.

Maybe next time

Determined to put a positive spin on things, I did remind myself that my measurements - 36-28-36 - were close to song-lyric-inducing measurements which include Lionel Richie's Brick House (as in stacked, yes) when he 70s disco croons:

She knows she got everything ...

How can she lose with what she use

36-24-36, what a winning hand!

More recently, Nelly in Ride Wit Me reminds us there aint no way you can tell a girl no when her measurements are 36-25-34. Sir Mix-a-Lot's Baby Got Back is a little more demanding. wanting 36-24-36 on a girl who's 5 foot 3. I'm a little taller than that. And I'm just going to go with the fact that I suppose my booty is not that large, which in most circumstances I believe is a good thing. A recent experiment dressing up as Serena Williams has also scientifically proved that with big underpants and some cushion wadding, anything is possible. So my waist isn't 24, 25 or even my usual 27. I don't care. I'm 5 foot 8 bitches. My organs are bigger. They need more space.

And what of this year's ultimate birthday girl - Barbie? When she appeared in 1959, Barbie was a terrifying 39-18-33. Bitch, please. Those were the days before plastic surgery. That isn't real! Who cares? Barbie is Barbie is dream girl and we all love her for it. And no rappers are asking for those measurements anyhow.

I'm not turning all anorexic on you people, I was just a little disappointed that I didn't drop a super-size me or two. I had been in the gym painfully working on my fitness, I'd been watching what I ate (most of the time... there was that box of chocolates, Barbecue Shapes, champagne - but no champagne-related McDonalds (the only kind) which I count as a huge achievement. ok... ). Weight has never really been my barometer - there's a skirt and a pair of shorty-shorts in my cupboard. Once the 2 of them slip back on like the good old days, then I'll know...