Snapdragons and teapots: Oscars Round-Up: Brides-to-Be, Mermaids and Block Colour

We were told to expect a tone down in terms of the extravagance and general frivolity in outfits being paraded along the red carpet at today's Oscar's ceremony. And Hollywood has really delivered in the not-pushing-the-envelope stakes. The red carpet was clogged with unimaginative dresses, particularly of the strapless variety. Sure there were a few one-shouldered numbers, but this is hardly groundbreaking following on from the SAGs and Golden Globes where they were practically everywhere. There was colour on the carpet, but not in a way that was particularly interesting. It was block colour, with no contrast. Disappointing.

Most ...interesting.... of all was the wannabe bride trend: so much white, so much strapless-ness. It was a tad disconcerting. Maybe they were selling an image of purity and back to basics simplicity? Is our fantasy land of fashion now supposed to be littered with brides? I thought Penelope Cruz looked lovely as always, although I prefer the champagne/oyster colours of previous awards seasons on her. White is almost too stark on her lovely Spanish skin. Anne Hathaway finally managed to get a strapless dress that didn't make her breasts look like they started at her belly button, which is a huge achievement in any stylist's book.

Taraji Henson, Nancy O'Dell, Marisa Tomei and a very frumpy Jessica Biel (is she pregnant?)

The biggest surprise of the "wedding dresses" was the cleavage enhancement offered by SJP's dress. I had no idea!

Then we had a long line of mermaids shuffling along the redcarpet in what I can only imagine was a slow, fondue-like pace. Beyonce (at least her dress fit her better this time); Vanessa Hudgens (although I thought she was looking very edgy yet again, with the black fingernails and the splash of white against all-black). Miley Cyrus looked like she was covered in enormous oyster shells, and I suppose it was age appropriate, but I find it very difficult to look at this little chipmunk without being awash in waves of annoyance. I can't comment in an unbiased fashion. I thought she looked frumpy and unstylish, however I'm not sure if I'm thinking straight when I say this.

Melissa George was a disconcerting - and disastrous - hybrid of the mermaid/bride look. It was a train crash to look at, and this girl seriously needs a stylist (hi! my name's Rachel. I'd be happy to be your stylist, provided I can be based in New York. Call me!).

You're still not far from Summer Bay, circa 1989 my little Angel

Then we had the boring congo-line of block colour (at least there was some colour - in the case of Natalie Portman, Lisa Rinna, Heidi Klum and Amanda Siegried and some chick in blue, I suppose). Oh God help me, would someone come up with something more interesting than strapless, dangly earrings and clutch handbag. Please! Headpieces? What about the 1920s trend that has swept the catwalks? Nothing - not a skerrick of style, and certainly not a mini-dress to be seen (although I haven't seen Cameron Diaz or Drew Barrymore slink along the carpet yet). Freida Pinto from the marvellous Slumdog Millionaire came close to a nod to the 1920s in her electric blue drop waisted number, however I still can't decide how I feel about the lace sleeve.

Yaaaawn. Ladies. Inspire us, please! It's a recession! Fashion's role in a recession is to create fantasy and enable the unemployed to derive small pleasures from clothes on other people. Give it up!